Break the Curse

 "I am not good with words."

A sentence that has been on my mind for quite a while, like an unbreakable curse. I have been casting that spell to my self since long time ago. I could not remember what made me to do so. But I guess it was part of my pessimistic side. And now, since I am getting tired of being so pessimistic, I will break the curse. (finger crossed)

When some people asked me "How can you be so positive and optimistic most of the time?" I felt like a hypocrite myself since I am not as positive and optimistic as many people see. To be frankly honest, I pretended to do so most of the time. I tried but mostly I forced myself. It was part of my defense mechanism to not be seen as a weakling. Because I hated inferiority. 

Honestly tho, after deep contemplation lately, I believe that I am not supposed to feel lesser. No one in this world should feel it either. Everyone has always their own strengths and weaknesses. And having flaws is not something to be ashamed for. Nobody is perfect. The most important thing is how to manage the imperfections to be your power instead.

I like writing. But I rarely write. Well I used to regularly write my personal journals tho. But I do not write for people. I often do not have courage to write publicly. Why? Because of that magical spell, 

"I am not good with words". 

Every time I tried to write openly, for example in this blog, I tended to think excessively. Of course thinking before writing is inevitably. But it is not what I meant. I was more focused on how I wrote my ideas, instead of the idea itself. I criticized my own writing. While it seems normal thing to do, I did it immoderately. I criticized to much to the point that I withdrew my writing from public because I think my writings were not decent enough to show. 

But, how do you know that your writing is not decent to show when no one ever read your writing but yourself? I mean we also need to know what people think before we judge it. It is not like what you are thinking is similar with what other people think. Am I right?

It is even worse after I read people's writings that I thought much better than mine. Yes it is my problem - comparing stuffs. Ironically, there is also part of myself believing that there is no right or wrong ways to express ourselves through writing. Everyone has their own style to convey their thoughts. If I have not found mine (yet), I must try to find it. But how can I do that if there is no courage in me to do so? This view need to be changed. 

Not only in writing. I also often held back my opinions. Why? Because I do not have courage to share, especially openly in public. Beside my believe that I am not good with words, my lack of confidence takes a huge part in this. I also believe that I have stage fright. 

It sounds cliche, isn't it? 

I do not know whether it is true or not, I mean whether it is my true self or not. I sometimes felt like I enjoyed public speaking, but I guess I felt the otherwise more frequent. Lol. But I am not that bad in speaking. Often times I received positive feedback on almost all my presentations. So what is the problem? 

The main problem is none other than my own self - my toxic way of thinking. The evil curse. Every time that spell occurred, I lost my thought. 

"What if people misunderstand what I am saying because I cannot explain it properly? You know, I am not good with words." 

Like seriously? What did I think? It was so silly. How would people know what you mean if you do not even say it? How would you overcome your stage fright if you do not bother to try? How frustrating it is. 

...Phewww... 

Anyways, I must change! I should not undervalue myself. If I felt lacking of something, I had to find ways to improve it. I will strive to always improve and show better version of me. Most importantly, I will never stop to learn. 

With love from home, 

#myrandomthoughtafterawhile